April 30, 2007
Funny Stuff
Warning: Adult only content. Some material may be offensive to some people.
Ok, there’s been a bit of rivalry between EPL & local fans so rather than dampen all the good humour and opportunity to slag each other off, we might as well use it to have a good laugh.
Send in your funny jokes that lampoon your favourite club - the one you hate more than anything (except the mother in law). The bright ones will adapt these to fit the local scene & that should be worth a smile or two and help to put things in perspective.
If you don’t have a sense of humour I think ‘Home & Away’ has just stared and maybe you should watch that instead.
“Don’t Forget Boys! ‘One Evertonian Is Worth Twenty Liverpudlians’”
- Brian Labone.
What do Pool Fans and sperm have in common?
One in 2,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
I’m flattered to be the first to have a dig at the Kops***e,
Thanks Blackjack
Comment by 1878 — April 30, 2007 @ 9:27 am
There’s nothing sadder than a Evertonian…I mean what have they got to be happy about. Their nearest neighbour is ranked amoung the most successul clubs in the world and they won’t even share a stadium with the bitter blues. The bitter bitter blues & 1878 knows what I’m talking about. LOL
Comment by Lionheart — April 30, 2007 @ 9:54 am
Far from bitter, because deep down each Evertonian knows they are chosen haha! As naive youngster as many Australian kids do I followed a big club but there was something lacking in my life… an emptiness. It is in the blood… not a bandwaggon
Let’s not make the rivalry bitter you two. This is supposed to be a ‘funny’ section. If it slides off then I;ll be forced to pull the topic.
Comment by 1878 — April 30, 2007 @ 10:58 am
Bitter and boring… Just the same generic banter that has been going on for years haha! We are just filling in time until the Mancs come along and then I should imagine it’d open a bit more and perhaps Lionheart and myself can find some common ground…. (perhaps in the somewhere in Stanely Park?)
What do you get when Newcastle are relegated?
50,000 Chelsea Fans!
Comment by 1878 — April 30, 2007 @ 11:30 am
Q: How many Chelsea fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One - he holds the bulb and expects the world to revolve around him
Comment by Lionheart — April 30, 2007 @ 11:34 am
1878- i was just on YOUTUBE and looked up liverpool and watched a 10 minute package of a small game against Milan in 2005. I then looked up Everton. They had a game against Charlton, with a apparently a few good passes in it, I did not watch that.
Comment by charlie white — April 30, 2007 @ 1:26 pm
What does a frenchman do when he wins the World Cup? Turns the Playstation Off and goes to bed!!
Comment by vivailcalcio — April 30, 2007 @ 3:10 pm
this is a bit old though…
How can you tell that summer is over? When Inter starts losing again
Comment by vivailcalcio — April 30, 2007 @ 3:12 pm
Do you know why Juve fans are Hunchbacks (Gobbi)?
They can’t see their willies
Comment by vivailcalcio — April 30, 2007 @ 3:19 pm
The Teacher asks the kids “What’s your dad’s job?” “Fireman” , ” and yours?” ” Painter” “and Yours?” “well…my dad is a stripper at a gay club”, the embarrassed teacher change topic and at the end of the lesson call the boy over and asks him if it he said the truth about his father’s job…”no teacher..my dad plays for Juventus ..I’m too ashamed to tell everybody”
Comment by vivailcalcio — April 30, 2007 @ 3:26 pm
What’s the difference between a Scouser and a coconut?
One’s thick and hairy, and the other’s a coconut.
Comment by richard mac — April 30, 2007 @ 6:43 pm
What do you call a Scouse woman in a white shell-suit?
The bride.
Comment by richard mac — April 30, 2007 @ 6:44 pm
What do you call a Scouser in a suit?
The accused.
Comment by richard mac — April 30, 2007 @ 6:44 pm
Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?
Because if it walked it would be mugged.
Comment by richard mac — April 30, 2007 @ 6:44 pm
What do you say to a Scouser with a job?
Big Mac please.
Comment by richard mac — April 30, 2007 @ 6:45 pm
Why wasn’t Jesus born in Merseyside?
Because God couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
Comment by richard mac — April 30, 2007 @ 6:45 pm
The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in.
Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them.
In the distance a voice shouts out “Man Utd are the greatest football team ever.
” Snow White says: “Well at least Dopey’s alive!”
Comment by richard mac — April 30, 2007 @ 6:46 pm
A little boy from Liverpool had gone to Rome on holiday with his family hoping to see the Pope. Anyway, a couple of days after they’d arrived, the Pope was doing a tour of the city in his Popemobile. The little lad was bit worried that the Pope wouldn’t be able to pick him out in the crowd, so his Mum said:
“don’t worry, the Pope is a footy fan, so wear your Liverpool shirt and he’s bound to pick you out and talk to you”.
So, they’re in the crowd, but the Popemobile drives past them, and stops a bit further down the street where John Paul gets out and speaks to a little boy in a Man Utd shirt. The Liverpool lad is distraught and starts crying. His Mum says:
“don’t worry, the Pope’s driving around tomorrow as well, so we’ll get you a Man Utd shirt and then he’s bound to stop to see you”.
The next day arrives, and the boy’s got on his new Man Utd shirt. The Popemobile stops right by him, John Paul gets out, bends down and says to the lad:
“I thought I told you to get lost yesterday?”
Comment by richard mac — April 30, 2007 @ 6:48 pm
A van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Manchester United fan he would see strutting down the side of the road in their ubiquitous red colours.
He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud “THUMP” and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over.
He asked the Priest “where are you going, Father?”, “I’m going to say mass at St. Joseph’s church, about 2 miles down the road” replied the priest. “No problem Father! I’ll give you a lift”! climb in!”
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a Manchester United fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the scum bastard.
However even though he was certain he missed the glory-hunting shite, he still heard a loud “THUD.” Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything he turned to the priest and said “I’m sorry Father, I almost hit that Manchester United fan.
“That’s okay” replied the priest. “I got the b****** with the door!”
Comment by richard mac — April 30, 2007 @ 6:50 pm
Three football fans were driving along when they spied a body in the undergrowth. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of a deceased young woman. Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Spurs hat over one breast. The second guy, a Liverpool fan, placed his hat over the other breast. The Manchester United fan then placed his hat over the woman’s private parts. Soon the police arrived. The coroner started checking over the body. He picked up the Spurs hat and quickly placed it back. He then picked up the Liverpool hat and returned it. Then he picked up the Man United Fan hat, put it down, then picked it up again inspecting the hat more closely, and then put it down. Then he picked it up a third time. By this time, the Man United fan was a bit irritated and he asked, “Why do you keep picking up that hat? Are you some kind of pervert or something?” The coroner responded with a wry smile, “Son, I can’t figure this one out. Usually when I come across one of these Man United hats, there’s an arsehole under it.”
Comment by richard mac — April 30, 2007 @ 6:58 pm
An Arsenal fan, a Scouser and a Chinese man are in the hospital maternity ward. The docters goes out to the fathers and he tells them that there has been a mix up with the babies.
He says, “each of you go in and choose a baby that you think is yours, then come out and then we will review the situation.”
The Arsenal fan goes in first and comes out with a baby. The docter immediately spots a fault.
He approaches the Arsenal fan and says, “come on lad, you know thats the chinese baby” to which the Gooner replies “I know, but there is a Scouse baby in there and I ain’t taking no chances!”
Comment by richard mac — April 30, 2007 @ 6:59 pm
What would you do if Jesus came to Manchester ??.
.
Put Rooney on the bench.
Comment by Anon — April 30, 2007 @ 7:58 pm
Thanks - football needs more laughs (even though I haven’t seen a new one yet)!
Try http://www.metacrawler.com (searches all the search engines) and type in “soccer jokes”. Surprisingly few sites but lots of jokes if you have the time.
Comment by tasblue — April 30, 2007 @ 11:17 pm
Richard Mac? so who do you support? haha its hard to tell, you’vehad a dig at all and sundry!
Dixie Dean, Brian Labone and Jesus go to a lake. They decide to see who can walk on water. Dixie and Brian stroll across the surface of the lake. Jesus too starts walking across but all of a sudden falls threw. Labone turns to Dean and says “Why didn’t you tell him about the stepping stones?” Dean replies “What Stepping Stones?”
Comment by 1878 — May 1, 2007 @ 12:16 am
Thanks be to …….. Someone else from the BLUE half of Merseyside.
Comment by Brian Roberts — May 1, 2007 @ 7:36 pm
You shouldn’t take the p-ss out of Everton, They have done nothing!
I went to Old TRAFFORD at the last home game, when i went through the turnstyle, i said to the old guy, “two please” , he said ” two half backs or two full backs?
When walking down oxford street (london) i bumped into Arsene Wenger, I said to him, “what time is kick off on saturday”? he said “what time can you come”?
Comment by THE "BIG YIN" — May 1, 2007 @ 9:35 pm
What do you call a Hearts fan with half a brain?
Gifted!
—-
Apparently, the whole Hearts squad was offered an all expenses paid holiday to Florida, but they said they’d rather go to Blackpool.
So they could see what it’s like to ride on an open-top bus.
Comment by 1878 — May 1, 2007 @ 10:30 pm
1878, English football, I really like to watch Manchester United - when they’re getting beat! Had my old Everton shorts on the other night, and for around an hour I was having a great time, then the roof fell in. I’m annoyed that I didn’t get around to watching the 2nd leg of the semi-final from Milan, as that would have started my day off well. Seriously though, I’ve had a soft spot for Everton since they signed Duncan Ferguson.
Scottish football, there can only be Glasgow Rangers.
European football, no team in particular.
Australian football, yet to get into it, watched the A league final and if thats the standard of play here, then there needs to be a great deal of improvement. Having said that though, I was very impressed with the standard of the Aussie’s in the world cup.
Comment by richard mac — May 3, 2007 @ 3:00 pm
… Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks,
“What is your IQ?” to which the man answers “241.”
“That is wonderful!,” says Albert. “We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory
and the mysteries of the Universe.
We will have much to discuss!”
Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks,
“What is your IQ?” To which the lady answers, “144.”
“That is great!,” responds Albert. “We can discuss politics and current affairs.
We will have much to discuss!”
Albert goes over to blazored ex-sportsman and asks,
“What is your IQ?” to which the man answers, “51.”
Albert responds,
‘ SO…how long have you been on the Board of Football Federation Tasmania……?
Comment by richard mac — May 3, 2007 @ 8:04 pm
Q: How many Man United fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 560,001. That is 1 to change it, 60,000 to say they’ve been changing it for years and 500,000 to buy the replica kit.
Comment by richard mac — May 3, 2007 @ 8:21 pm
Q: Name three football clubs that contain swear words?
A: A: Arsenal, Scunthorpe and F*****g Man Utd.
Comment by richard mac — May 3, 2007 @ 8:22 pm
A nurse at Birmingham General Infirmary told an industrial tribunal how she tried to stop the fight between two top doctors which resulted in one of them being sacked by the hospital.
“I pulled them apart” said Alice Magee, 32, “and could see Dr Cage was in tears. I asked him what it was about and he sobbed ‘It’s that man on E-ward, you know, that one with the Man United pyjamas. Doctor Harper has just told him that he’s only got two weeks left to live’. I told him there was nothing more we could do for him and he had to be told.
Dr Cage said ‘I know that, but I wanted to tell the b******d’”
The incident follows a complaint from a patient in August of last year when Dr Cage told a cancer victim he had some good news and some bad news
“The bad news is you’re going to die” “and the good news ?” asked the downcast patient “we beat the scum 2-1!”
Comment by richard mac — May 3, 2007 @ 8:24 pm
A Kiwi is trapped on a remote desert island with a sheep and a dog. Soon, the sheep starts looking really attractive to the Kiwi. However, whenever he approaches the sheep the dog growls in a threatening manner.
The Kiwi takes the dog to the opposite side of the island giving it some food as a distraction. He runs back to the sheep only to find the dog growling at him. The Kiwi ties the dog to a tree with a large leash. He goes back to the sheep only to find the dog growling with a gnawed off leash around its neck.
By now, the Kiwi is getting depressed and frustrated. As he sits under a palm tree staring out to sea, a beautiful woman in a tight-fitting wet suit emerges from the surf.
She asks him who he is and, taking pity upon his lonely state, asks if there’s ANYTHING she could do for him. The Kiwi thinks for a moment and then responds, “Could you take the dog for a walk?
And the guy later signed for a prominent Hobart club
Had to get a football link in there somewhere. BJ
Comment by richard mac — May 3, 2007 @ 8:27 pm
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Manchester Utd supporter and an old drunk are walking down the street together when simultaneously they each spot a fifty quid note. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course - the other 3 are mythical creatures.
Comment by richard mac — May 3, 2007 @ 8:29 pm
Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read:
“Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan.”
So, one of them asked the other: “When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?”
Comment by richard mac — May 3, 2007 @ 8:30 pm
Q: If you see a Manchester United fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him??
A: It could be your bike!!!
Comment by richard mac — May 3, 2007 @ 8:34 pm
A Celtic supporting family were shopping in the Metro centre, and ended up in a sports shop. Little Joey suddenly puts on a Rangers top and says to his sister, “Look, I’m a Rangers player!”. His sister slaps him across the face and orders him to show their mum. He wanders over to his mum and says, “Maw, look, I’m a Rangers player”. His mother also slaps him across the face, and orders him to show his dad. He finds his dad and says, “Da’, da’, I’m a Rangers player”. His dad looks at him and them he also slaps him across the face. On their way home in the car, the family turn to him and say, “Well we hope you’ve learned something today” to which Little Joey replies, “Yeah, I’ve only been a Rangers supporter for two minutes and I already hate you Celtic b*****ds!”
Comment by richard mac — May 3, 2007 @ 8:38 pm
Q: How do you get a Man Utd fan to stand up?
A: Say “Will the defendant please rise.
Comment by richard mac — May 3, 2007 @ 8:38 pm
Two Man Utd fans with a dog are sitting at the bar when in walks a man straight over to the Dog and lifts its tail up, he takes a long look and then orders a drink a sits at a table. Stunned the two Man Utd look to each other in Disbelief, did that just happen? A short while later another man enters and walks over to the Dog lifts its tail has a good look and then buys a drink and sits down. The puzzled Man Utd fans vow if this happens again they will ask the next man whats going on. They dont have to wait long, as the man approaches they wait until he lifts the dogs tail and one pipes up “Here you whats the crack with my dog big man?” he asks. “Oh nothing mate its just theres a Liverpool fan out there who says theres a Dog in here with two arseholes”.
Comment by richard mac — May 3, 2007 @ 8:44 pm
Before the world cup, a primary school teacher asks her pupils if they want to see England win it. The full class put their hands up except for one girl who says she wants Sweden, Argentina or Nigeria to win. Amazed the teacher asks why, “Well miss my mum and dad are Scottish so I’m a Scottish fan too.” So the teacher replys “You don’t have to be a Scotland fan because you’re parents are, if your mum was a prostitute and dad was a junkie that stole and beat up innocent people you wouldn’t be like that”
“No miss” the girl says “that would make me a Manchester Utd fan”.
Comment by richard mac — May 3, 2007 @ 8:46 pm
Did anyone read that Reina’s house was broken into during the game at Anfield? It isn’t uncommon for merseyside footballers to be broken into. The article mentions several liverpool players and then it mentions big Duncan Fergussen who apprehended the intruders in his house! Try that Gerrard ya soft twat
Comment by 1878 — May 7, 2007 @ 3:16 am